Dog's Humor




Stud's poetry

My job is making puppies, and I get two tries at that.
They pat me on the head and say, "Good Boy" and that is that.
It's half my job to give them teeth and toplines, fronts and other.
Remember, it's only half my job....they also have a mother.
It's not my job to carry pups and make'em grow and nurse'em.
And feed and clean & make 'em strong, that's for mother and a person.
It's not my job to wean and feed the calcium and food.
And stack, gait and housebreak and make'em a showing brood.
It's not my job to guarantee champs; the breeder picks the pair.
To mate and whelp and feed and show and hope the champ is there.
It's not my job to be on hand when points are given out,
The Breeder, Owner, Dam and Friends take credit with a shout!
It's not my job to deliver a winner; It's only genes I sell.
But let the puppies turn out bad, and guess who catches hell! 

Top


How to photograph a puppy

1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head..
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
17. Call spouse to clean up mess.
18. Fix a drink.
19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy
"sit/stand" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
20. Consider buying "older, trained" rescue dog.

Top


10 reasons to breed dogs

1. Thought the house was too orderly
2. Never did like having a full nights sleep
3. Wanted my Vet to get a new BMW
4. Thought the furniture looked too nice
5. Love the sounds of puppies in the morning, noon, afternoon, evening, midnight, pre-dawn, etc.
6. Garden and backyard needed renovations, and didn't want to pay a gardener.
7. Neighbors didn't complain enough
8. Kids weren't enough of a challenge
9. If you can train & show one dog, why not ten
10. Wanted to see if spouse really meant those vows

Top


Show terms explained

 
Angulation
Degree to which dog handlers will bend over backwards to impress judges.

Balance
(a) How to arrange the checkbook so your husband won't know how much money you spent 
on dog shows last month. Usually done in the bathroom with the door locked;
(b) Ability to hold coffee, danish, leash, treats and entry form all at once.

Bitch
(a) Name for a lady dog;
(b) Name often heard at dog shows, not always to describe a lady dog.

Blind Retrieve
When you can't see the toy under the furniture.

Coat
The hairy covering of a dog that usually falls out about one week before the Specialty show.

Crabbing
What you do when the judge doesn't like way your dog moves.

Dam
(a) lady dog with children;
(b) expression frequently overheard at dog shows as losers leave the ring.

Elbow
Method of getting to ringside when late.

Expression
"Sweet" look adopted by dogs while staring ravenously at chunks of liver.

Fancier
Degree to which some gentlemen handlers dress more than others.

Force Fetch
Dog drops the toy under furniture, scratches at the carpet until you're forced to "fetch" it.

Guard Hair
An activity in which one watches intently as the dog's hair falls out, in clumps, just after entries are mailed.

Heel
(a) what you feel like when your dog beats the one you had just sold to an eager novice;
(b) expression often screamed to attract the attention of deaf dogs.

Height
As in "Maximum Allowed," a measurement which all champions fall under by AT LEAST 1/8 of an inch.

Hock
A way of financing your dog shows by the use of jewelry such as wedding rings.

Kennel
Where you go when the kids fight and your husband yells at you.

Multi-Generational Pedigree
Something you should have read first.

Muzzle
What to put on your kids at a dog show to prevent them from calling your competition 
what they overheard you call him last night.

Noseprints
Cute marks left all over your French doors.

Overshot
Running so fast as to pass the 1st place ring marker and plow into the judge and the stewards.

Points
Invisible awards for winning which you cannot convince your spouse are more important than cash prizes.

Ribbons
What you want to cut the other exhibitors into, after their pet wins.

Specialty
Whatever your dog is good at, like bringing home dead cats or chewing on walls.

Type
What your dog has... if you turn down the lights and squint a little.

Utility
The kind of vehicle you need to haul around your dogs.

Top